How do I stop being so hard for myself?

This struggle is so recognizable.I am also regularly very hard for myself to the point that I am even afraid of it.

Your question also leads me to think about it and I will come up with writing and thinking along with my response.

What first comes to mind, without me having to put the issue outside of yourself is that I think we are a reflection of the people around us.I do not mean only dear ones or colleagues but also the strange people we encounter every day here and there. The human brain is a powerful thing and I think we are already observing and absorbing through life, and so sometimes copying.

I sometimes find the Dutch culture quite blunt.That I notice on the street, shops, everywhere actually. With a gentle personality this can soon be perceived as threatening because your personality is below a certain tension. I get this too good as a sensitive person. I think the Dutch have a certain hardness. Something we have a lot to do, but this can sometimes, I find myself, go too far. To maturity. Throwing things out without thinking what this is doing with another. Not whining seems to be the underlying reaction then. I think this is the less beautiful side of the Dutch and therefore I often do not feel at home. Frappant enough emerges from a DNA test that I only have 11% Dutch blood, perhaps this has influence?

Okay.Now you know that your environment has influenced your own self-image and reflection. Then it’s good to know how you can go from there again.


Softness is the opposite of hardness.So something to focus on considering the nature of your question. First of all, remember that you don’t have to take the same yardstick that other people put on themselves and the other, consciously and unconsciously. This means that you are against the flow of what you think is the norm you have to apply to yourself.

At this time, you may think that you should be addressing yourself here and there in situations or even punishing yourself in your own way of doing it.Probably you are only unhappier with this and you could therefore create space in yourself by being milder for yourself and above all understanding. Give yourself time and attention to your feelings.

Last time I had packed wine glasses and drinking glasses with a lot of love and care for The loop.In addition, I added some homemade tickets that I wouldn’t use and I brought it to the charity shop today. However, I was not greeted and there was just a little thank you. So it came about. That is such a moment when I feel rotten and punish myself very quickly because no one is obliged to be thankful or hospitable. Yet it came to my feelings as a painful moment. Maybe also because of those homemade cards with a nice message on it. I do not know. It just felt rotten.

That is exactly such a moment that your feelings may be there and give recognition.I had given love and care at that time but someone else responds to his/her way. And that’s okay. What is especially okay is that my feelings may be there at that time. Disappointment, hoping for sharing happiness that something gets a second chance. It may be there. You can be there, with your feeling and experience world.Your personal standards and values are important and you don’t have to be like your environment. You may always be gentle on yourself by putting in gentiness, patience, understanding and extra loving thoughts with yourself.

It’s just not self-evident because it’s like if you’re swimming against the stream.You are still used to hardness, from (outside and from) inside, but you are going to face a soft side. The side where everything from you can be there. Your thinking and perception world is completely okay and you can process everything in a way that suits you.

As a valve I add a few more key words that are important to develop softness permanently; gentlity, recognition, Patience, love, attention, care and understanding.

Life from grace

Learn to laugh yourself.Just make a video recording of yourself. A play in which you make a caricature of your own behaviour. Increase your inclinations and weaknesses to the absurd. Sometimes you also need to learn to let go… That you don’t let go. There are just things we are about to stay in. Don’t be too perfectionist to want to be non-perfect. You just occasionally have a dip in your self-image. Who cares?

Also recognizable.I sometimes want to be too integer. Which is quite tricky because sometimes I write and think pretty flamboyant and hope that no one has to know that I’m soaking out my neck haha. I usually say something sensible though I often don’t think so. Lying is something I have actually had to learn. A bit less integer, around 85% about, instead of complaining if it dropped to 95%. Be gentle on yourself and some more an ASO to others. No more Mister Nice guy!

Who has much to say that you are whacking yourself in your convent cell?Maarten Luther decided at some point that it did not make sense and decided to put things on stilts. Now there are countless streets and churches named after that guest! Instead of trying to improve your weaknesses or blame yourself, you can better dedicate that huge heap of energy to your strengths. Grace is like democracy: a bad system. But the alternative is even worse!

Being Hard for yourself can help you achieve great things.But it comes with a price tag:

1.Your self-esteem. Because when you do not reach your high standards, you feel frustrated and angry.
2.You get the pleasure away. A harsh or rigorous attitude to yourself can make things that are more and more exciting, that are becoming less and more.Fun is working because you fear to fail and not get your high standards.
3.You’re performing ever worse. When your self-esteem decreases, you also feel less motivated to tackle tasks and projects in your life.And if it is no longer fun, you are going to postpone more and more things. You put less energy and focus in it so the results are less good too.

What can you do if you feel that you are too harsh for yourself?


Think of the negative consequences of this attitude.
Be aware of how much damage you inflicte on yourself by being too hard for yourself: that’s an effective way to be a little kinder to yourself.

2.Define more humane and sensible standards for yourself.
Movies, books and people in your area can whisperup your standards that are pure imagination.But life is not a fantasy or dream, and such unattainable standards lead to failure and disappointment in yourself and in your life.

On the other hand, try to be a little more relaxed and accept that everything and everyone shows weaknesses and that things do not always expire as planned.Accept that you can always improve things but that they will never be perfect. And realize that you will not be rejected if things are not perfect. Yet not by reasonable and balanced people.

3.Four small steps forward.
If you usually only celebrate big milestones in your life or perfect moments, you’ll lose motivation and feel like you’ll never be completely happy.

So make it a habit to celebrate your small daily and weekly success as well.That helps you to stay excited and to keep it full.

4.Focus on positive and helping feedback on errors.
It often happens that people are hard for themselves when they make a mistake.But that’s also a destructive habit because it can magnify a small failure into something that makes you depressed for weeks or causes you to enter.

To keep yourself motivated and to protect your self-esteem, you better ask yourself these questions:
-What can I learn from this situation?
-How can I use that what I learned to make no more the same mistake but better and faster progress?

Source: Self-Confidence Coach | Career Guidance | Life Coach | John Abbas

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